Everyone always blames me. Never asking for an explanation, they say that I am the criminal, that I am the one who made Snow White face almost certain death. Believe me, it wasn't my fault. It all began with this mirror...

Before I was publicly disgraced, I was Princess of Rhamwambina and lived happily with my family. Then, one day, when I turned 20, there came a mirror sent to me, carried by 3 servants and a mysterious note saying "Ask a question to this mirror and it will tell you the truth." I was excited and immediately asked it a question privately - "What did I wear yesterday?" A silly question, you might think, but I knew the answer and wanted to know if the mirror knew. It answered, "Your royal blue robe and a pink dress." Right! I was even more excited, knowing I had a real working mirror that knew all the answers!

Now comes the famous part. Everyone knows the rhyme, "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the most beautiful of them all?" And, I'll bet my bottom dollar that you think it was me who made it up. Well, you're wrong. It was my cousin Sophia. She did it for a joke in front of the mirror one day and the mirror actually answered ME! Of course I was flattered, so I began repeating it in front of the mirror each day, out of CURIOSITY. CAN'T SOMEONE BE CURIOUS AND NOT BE SHAMED FOR IT? Well, it got around town that I said it each morning, and finally the world knew about it.

Then... Egbert. Egbert was a widower with one child, Snow White, who was looking for a wife. He chose me, dear sweet Egbert, and so I came to his castle, and of course took my mirror along with me.

Snow White, his daughter, was a cute 7 year old at the time. Of course, as 7 year olds do, she got on my nerves a bit at times, but that's normal.

A little while after this happened, I asked my mirror who was the most beautiful person of all was. And guess what - it said Snow White! I couldn't believe it! Here I was, 22 and beautiful, when this lousy 14 year old comes and takes away my title. Wouldn't you be angry if you were the best in the world and this baby comes and is the best instead? Wouldn't you?

Admit it, you definitely would. You definitely would.

Gradually, Snow White became a romantic 17 year old. I don' t know where this prince character came from, but one day I saw him at the well making Sheep's Eyes at my little brat, Snow White! Well, I thought that she was going to elope with him or something, so this happened:

I told my huntsman (who is not too bright) to "Go to the snowy white mountains and kill some moose and take Snow White with you." I planned to give her a break from this "Prince Charming" and to let her see some natural wonders.

But that STUPID, STUPID, huntsman ruined me! He interpreted the message as 3 simple words - Kill Snow White. You can see what happened next.

He didn't kill her, but let her loose in the forest and brought back a deer heart to prove something - I don't know what - maybe that he could at least do something!

Luckily for Snowie, she was let into a house with 7 little midgets who forced her to do housework for less than minimum wage. There are rumors that she dreamed about that Prince, but I doubt it. He looked like an airhead to me.

Okay, okay, I admit it. Dressing up in a witch costume to look for Snow White might not have been the brightest idea in the world, but hey, I never said I was a genius. I traveled the countryside looking for her.

Then, one day, I found her! When I did, I was so overjoyed that I offered her an apple. Not knowing who I was, she took it, and ate it. It must have been food poisoning that made her go into that coma or whatever it was, but I had nothing to do with it. Disney made that part up.

You know the rest, of course. That Prince person, Ed I think? Kissed Snow and she woke up.

And I became a social outcast. People said no one ever saw me again, but that was because I went to the royalty jail, where I am to this very day. But you know what really happened. And you believe it.

Don't you?